Track 5: Time is Running Out - Muse (My Modus Operandi )

you're something beautiful
a contradiction

I wanted freedom
bound and restricted
I tried to give you up
but I'm addicted

you will suck the life out of me

bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it

our time is running out

you can't push it underground
you can't stop it screaming out

How did it come to this?  (Bellamy, 2003)

I thought, if I could prove to others that I can become a scientist, then I've won but this was not the case at all. I was stuck in a rut. I studied science by memorising facts and formulas, instead of learning constructively by mapping out concepts. I would cram for my exams and as soon as I finished sitting them and walked out of the exam room, I felt like the facts and formulas I'd spent so many nights rote learning had flown out of my brain. 


I felt like a fraud, everyone thought I was so smart but in truth, I didn't know how to make meaning by linking my studies to my life experiences. During one of our observation visits to a selective high school, I was introduced to the idea of high achieving students feeling like intellectual phonies. I was relieved to find out that I wasn't the only one who felt this way throughout my schooling years. As soon as I got home, I investigated further and found out that there are some psychological studies researching what is now known as the Impostor Phenomenon (Clance & Imes, 1978).


Now I must state that I'm not a psychiatrist, so I can't self-diagnose and proclaim that I suffer from this phenomenon. However, I can say that many times, like self-declared impostors, I have felt undeserving of the praise and academic rewards that I received during my studies. I have often felt anxious about underachieving, frustrated at my inability to achieve my self-imposed high standards and had a lack of self-confidence. Despite going through all this in high school, I still kept up the facade all the way up to my undergraduate degree.

The reward of finishing a medical science degree was beautiful but it was also a contradiction because  I knew I would be pursuing it to my detriment, I wasn't sure if I was really passionate about a career in science in the first place. 


I needed to break out from my failure avoidance routine and take more risks. I needed to challenge my core beliefs, my personal identity and values.
 
Reference List
Bellamy, M. (2003). Time is running out. [Recorded by Muse]. On Absolution. United Kingdom: East west records

Clance, P. R. & Imes, S. (1978). The imposter phenomenon in high achieving women: Dynamics and therapeutic intervention. Psychotherapy Theory, Research and Practice, 15(3), 1-8. Retrieved November 3, 2010 from http://www.paulineroseclance.com/pdf/ip_high_achieving_women.pdf